#66: What The Notches Said – No. 06

Interview with 'Z', who's from my səxual past

Jan 15, 2025

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[Image description: Text ‘What The Notches Said No. 06’ on a lilac background]

Note: Throughout January, I’m publishing content that’s focused on non-monogamy as I’m preparing for a talk called ‘Guiding Clients in Navigating Open and Polyamorous Relationships’ which is taking place online on Wednesday 29 January. Full info about the talk is in the second half of this mailout.

These ‘What The Notches Said’ interviews with folks from my sexual past take place as informal chats over videocall, and I record the audio so that I can pull the responses together for the Q&A format below.

Earlier this month, I had an intense and tearful chat with ‘Z,’ with whom I had a beautiful, yet fraught love affair last year.

We met through a dating app (ironically, I barely use dating apps at all – in the past five years I’ve probably only been on for a total of 10 weeks across that span of time – but it just so happens that a number of people in this series have been app matches), in the late Spring of 2024.

Hilariously, I’d already been on a date earlier that day. It had been the kind of bad date that leaves you simultaneously weary and itchy with irritation. The guy had billed himself as a writer – a writer with a deal from Penguin, no less – but the way he spoke was difficult to follow.

Lots of half-started sentences that ended with him trailing off and looking at me hopefully, as if I’d jump in and finish his thought processes for him. I found this both tiresome and disappointing. When it was over, I strolled part of the way home, blinking in the late afternoon sun. The weather was just too glorious for sulking.

So, I opened the app, adamant that I’d find someone else who would be up for sharing their evening with me. And there was ‘Z.’ His banter immediately grabbed me, descriptive, witty, and laced with a kind of deliberate honesty that felt rare. Within a few exchanges, we’d made plans to meet a little later on.

When I arrived at the bar, my breath caught in my throat and I felt a lurch somewhere low in my stomach. He was gorgeous; his lean body on show in a slutty little vest top and his long, silky hair pulled back in a bun. His eyes twinkled mischievously as he looked me up and down. He blurted out, “Wow, you’re hot!”. I laughed and said I was thinking exactly the same thing about him!

Our date was full of laughter and sparking conversation. He had a humanities PhD and I listened in enraptured silence while he enthusiastically explained his thesis to me.

The space between us narrowed. Before long we were kissing and my fingers sneaked underneath his vest top and lightly stroked his rock-solid abs.

‘Z’ had already explained a little about what his sexual and romantic life looked like – he was in a civil partnership with a woman with whom he’d recently opened things up. But I was surprised when he said he lived in a big University town in the south of England. Turned out, though, that he was often in Manchester to visit family. Phew; the logistics didn’t seem impossible.

He came up to visit a number of times in the early Summer and we had the best time getting to know each other. We frolicked in the Peak District posing for cute pics against the backdrop of sheep grazing on the rolling hills. And bar-hopped like restless teenagers, chasing the night until we couldn’t keep our hands off each other any longer.

We were both mildly aware that, as a pair, we regularly turned heads when we were out and about. Sometimes one of us would clock someone random checking the other out and we’d whisper, “Look, they fancy you. But I fancy you more.”

And then, he invited me to Amsterdam, one of my all-time favourite European cities.

The city seemed to mirror us, its crooked buildings and winding canals reflecting the strange, joyful intensity of our connection. We bought ‘magic truffles’ from a herbal shop and tripped in the park. We fell in love there, or maybe just admitted it.

However, by early autumn the cracks began to show. His primary relationship hit a rocky patch, and suddenly he didn’t have the capacity to be present with me in the way I’d grown used to. I hadn’t anticipated how much the issues within his primary relationship would ripple into ours, but they did.

We tried to fix it. Conversations where I felt like we could steer our connection back on track. But ultimately our situation was overshadowed by distance; he was many, many hundreds of miles away with not enough capacity for our connection.

By November, I couldn’t do it anymore. I ended things. We were both gutted. Yes, I had other connections and people I was seeing, but I was still gutted.

However, we’ve remained friends (without the ‘benefits’ bit). And, somehow, it feels like our story isn’t over just yet.

NB. The below interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Describe yourself (physically and character-wise).

I think physically I’m quite fit, very strong and, according to some, a little sexy – sometimes, I believe that, but not all the time. I’m very compassionate, very supportive, very collaborative, and communicative. I’m honest about my emotions. I like to explore my partners’ emotions and I make such space where people’s interests and emotions and vulnerabilities, and everything are respected, honoured and celebrated. I think I’m a good friend. I think that’s what I’d say.

Describe where you were at in life, relationship-wise, when you and Almaz met.

I think I was in a very happy place when I met you, Almaz. And that happiness was reflected in my meetings with you. We had so many laughs and shared so much joy. And so I think overall, I was quite positive and content, and I was very excited about the subsequent dates with you.

Relationship-wise I was feeling like “I have so much love, so let’s plan and have some more love with other people”. So my partner and I were exploring separately with other people, which included you. Soon after I met you, I also met another amazing woman in Manchester, who I started seeing. As you know, I am still seeing her.

What were your expectations of dating in that era?

I had a sense that I wanted to explore more new things. And exploring the fantasies and all that. Apart from that, meeting new, lovely, amazing people. Building any form of relationship organically, not, like, anything prejudiced. So it was not following a script or something was just ticking a box.

Yeah, so, like, learning the different love styles, how people regulate, and also, like, just to explore overall, like, every form of connection, whether it was emotional, sexual, intellectual. What are all the complexities of these merits and demerits. Eventually, my purpose was, if nothing else, finding some new friends.

Where and how did you and Almaz meet?

We met on dating app Feeld. We chatted a little on there. Swapped numbers and planned to meet in a bar. I had one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on!

What surprised you about Almaz?

Your beauty. Your voice is amazing. I liked your smile and laugh. Your eyes were very deep; I wanted to drown in them. You know, when I close my eyes, sometimes I can see yours.

I liked the emotional and intellectual connections we shared. With you I was not worried about my vulnerabilities, about my limitations, about my fears and insecurities and doubts. I could always bring any topic, any issue, any doubt. And when we would discuss things for hours and hours, and I would always share and like to have your thoughts. I learned a lot.

So the intellectual connection was good, and there was always a space for diversity of disagreements, bringing doubts and things.

And the type of sex we had was amazing. I think about it all the time!

I could be myself when I was with you. I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone else when I was with you. Thanks for giving me that space.

Describe any regrets (existentially and relationship-wise) you have from that era.

I’m very sorry that we couldn’t work things out between us. If it wasn’t for the distance, we’d still be together, I think. If I was living in Manchester, our story would have been completely different.

To love you, I don’t have to be in a relationship with you. You can be living in Africa or India or Mars, I can still love you.

But being in a relationship is different. There is a finite amount of time and energy available because our days are still 24 hours. Our weeks still seven days. Because I was living far away, I couldn’t visit you as much as I should have to keep our connection strong.

When we had struggles in my primary relationship, my mental health got really bad and I know that because I became distant with you. I’m now doing lots of things to keep things in check like counselling and CBT, and doing more self-care things.

I think you could have communicated your thoughts about what you wanted more. It was all going with the flow, and I loved that, and it was working well. But it took me a few months to understand, “Oh, we are actually in a relationship.”

Had I known from the very beginning that actually “Almaz wants a relationship. And we love each other. And that’s what she wants, and she’s finding out whether that’s what I want”. Because ‘love’ is not only a noun. It’s a verb, also. So, like, “what are the actions that we are both doing to show that we love each other?”, you know.

Describe what you’ve been up to relationship-wise since that time?

Well, as you know, I’m still with [redacted], my primary, and also [redacted] in Manchester. I’ve been on dates and had sex with a few people, but not gone beyond a first date with those.

How have your expectations of dating changed in the time since?

Well to be honest, right now, my expectation, if I go on a date, is just to have some sex. I am not looking for relationships. I don’t have capacity.

Any other comments that come to mind? Do share!

I’ve been thinking about polyamory and what it means for having kids. I think I want kids. But when I think about with whom, I get confused! So, my primary partner says if I have kids with anyone that’s not her, she will end the relationship. I totally understand this. But it is a complicated issue.

Read full story

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 22 January and will feature extra verbatim text from the very end of the chat where ‘Z’ talks about the issues that come with wanting kids, but being in multiple relationships.

To receive this extra mailout you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.

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[Image description: Promo asset for Almaz’s Animas Coaching talk. Text: Coaching Modern Relationships Navigating Patterns of Intimacy and Connection Featured Speaker Almaz Ohene]

Animas Centre for Coaching – Purpose-centred coach training for individuals and organisations – is continuing its comprehensive relationship coaching programme across early 2025 to help deepen understanding of modern intimacy.

The in-depth programme covers the latest trends, from polyamory to sex positivity, all guided by renowned leaders in relationship psychology and coaching.

I’m running a session called ‘Guiding Clients in Navigating Open and Polyamorous Relationships’ on Wednesday 29 January 2025, 19:00–20:30 GMT

By the end of the session, you will:

Understand the key principles of open and polyamorous relationships and how they differ from monogamous structures.
Learn how to foster open communication and trust between partners in consensual non-monogamous relationships.
Gain strategies to help clients navigate common emotional challenges, including jealousy and boundary-setting.
Explore ways to support clients in ensuring emotional well-being while engaging in non-traditional relationship structures.
Broaden your professional toolkit to include skills for working with clients exploring diverse forms of relating.

Book Your Spot

[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’]

I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
Watch my showreel highlighting the work I’ve been doing within the intimacy pleasure, intimacy and sex ed sectors.