#54: What The Notches Said – No. 04
Interview with 'T', who's from my səxual past
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[Image description: Text ‘What The Notches Said No. 04’ on a lilac background]
These interviews with folks from my sexual past take place as informal chats over videocall, and I record the audio so that I can pull the responses together for the Q&A format below.
This month, I’m sharing some material from a chat that I had with ‘T’. He was an older guy (in a long line of older guys, haha) who I dated the year I turned 30 in 2019. ‘T’ is someone who’s on the mailing list for this newsletter and through the stats reporting I could see him opening lots of the mailouts.
I remembered that we had a really lovely time going on a few dates, after meeting in a bar after a classical music concert. And that his openness about his relationship status back then – he was dating other people after recently opening up his marriage – might mean he’d be up for chatting to me. I reached out and he agreed. I was surprised at how much I was looking forward to hearing his voice (bass-y, American, sexy!) and found myself trying quite hard to make him laugh. Y’know, being charming and gently flirtatious and all that.
NB. The below interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Describe yourself (physically and character-wise).
I am a middle-aged man. I feel like a young man in many ways, I feel like a boy still. In some ways, I also feel older than I am in some ways, but mostly I just feel like a young man, but I’m almost 50. I’m six feet tall, I am ethnically white, a mix of Eastern European and British blood, or whatever you want to say. I don’t really put too much stock into that, but I think it is interesting, potentially. And I think of myself as fairly outgoing and friendly, and I think of myself as not very shy or timid. And when I am scared of things, I try to confront that.
[Almaz interjection: “Great. What about your fabulous characterful eyebrows?” Both of us laugh.]
Yes, I have very, very, very large eyebrows, and many people remark on them. And I can waggle them up and down very quickly, more so than most people, apparently. Although when I look at myself doing it, it just looks normal.
Describe where you were at in life, relationship-wise, when you and Almaz met.
So when I met Almaz, I was in a very particular moment relationship-wise, where I had been quite contentedly, happily married for about 11 years to my ex-wife with whom I have two children. She suddenly told me that she was in love with somebody else. And so then eventually we, kind of, found this way of being in a relationship where we were seeing other people, but staying together as a married couple.
And that’s where I was at when I met Almaz. I had also experienced a couple of other encounters around that time. And definitely one of them was quite negative and painful and I wasn’t at all sure if this was the way for me, but that’s where I was at when I met Almaz.
What were your expectations of dating in that era?
So my expectations of dating were to have a good time and meet new people and have it be quite light and nice, yeah, that was my expectation. First I was on some apps. I didn’t meet you on an app, and I didn’t meet the person that I had met and became involved with before I met you; I did not meet her on an app. Then, I met a whole ton of people on apps, and some of that was nice and some of it was not.
Where and how did you and Almaz meet?
We met in the bar where I was drinking with the other orchestral musicians after a concert. I remember meeting you. You had these amazing hair extensions. Beautiful. I mean, your hair is beautiful now as well. But they were really nicely done. I think there was some blue/grey in them. I think I just said, like, “Hey, give me your number, we’ll get together.” I don’t think we went off anywhere or anything that night. I think we just liked each other. Yeah.
What surprised you about Almaz?
You were very, very intelligent.
[Almaz interjection: “Oh, why thank you!”. ‘T’ then chuckles.]
I don’t think I was expecting you not to be. Think maybe I just wasn’t really expecting anyone to be, you know, I mean, I hadn’t had a sexual partner aside from my ex-wife, so I think that was surprising enough. You know, when I was married, I was still aware of other women, and I was still, you know, interested in other women sexually, but I never would pursue any of that because I was committed to being married, and so maybe, it was just surprising. It was less about you and more about me. It was like I was interested in you sexually, and attracted to you sexually. And I thought, “okay” but then what was surprising was to actually, like, break the mind and like kiss and have sex and everything, you know, the nakedness really nice and very surprising, you know.
Describe any regrets (existentially and relationship-wise) you have from that era.
Though there was the first person before you that I got involved with. I had very strong romantic feelings for, and because I was in this kind of, like, ‘open marriage’, and just like, you know, casually following my desires, you know, I had sex with this person really soon, and it was not the right thing for her, and not really, for me either, in the greater scheme of things.
Like it was okay, you know. Like having sex with you was really nice, and I enjoyed being with you and everything, but whole thing wasn’t really my style. But I was just, you know, trying something out. But for this person I met before you and I met, I really felt romantic feelings for her. And I felt like if I had not been in that situation with my wife, now ex-wife, if I had just been single or whatever, I would have approached it all a bit differently. But I was kind of, “Yeah, you know, whatever, blah, blah, blah, casual sex is cool”.
I think my ex-wife was really into that and was comfortable with that I wasn’t. So I think I regret having sex with that person I met before I met you, because I know I hurt her and I also hurt me. So that’s my only regret from that period.
I think that, actually, I’m more of long-term relationship kind of person.
Describe what you’ve been up to relationship-wise since that time?
Yes, okay, so since I met you… You know, you and I had a very nice casual thing, and I really enjoyed it.
[Almaz interjection: “Me too! Me too!” Both of us chuckle.]
And then covid came. I went on what started as a nice little date, and then, I think we had sex, and then we wanted to have more sex, but then covid cases were rising. She was absolutely not going to break the social distancing thing, you know, and I was up for breaking it, but she was not. And so that eventually didn’t work out. I forget how that thing actually ended. And, yeah, I had a few like flings. I had another fling with another person who was a colleague, and, yeah, that was nice.
And then, and this is still during that lengthy covid period, this old girlfriend got in touch from when I was 17. You know, we were, messaging each other lots, and finally we decided we would meet. And so we met in Mexico for a week. And it was fantastic.
Well, also, she was weird as hell, I was like, “send a picture of yourself”, and she just would not. And I was like “why not?” But then I was like “actually, I don’t care. I love this woman!” But I kept thinking, maybe, she, you know, lost an eye, and, like, lost all her teeth, you know. Who knows, lost all her hair, like, something really weird happened to her. But that in the end, when, like, we finally met she basically looked just the same. She had had a little bit of plastic surgery, it turns out, which was odd, but fine, you know, whatever.
So anyway, it seemed like it was going to be this incredible love story after our week together. But then she started ghosting. Because I think she just was like, “Oh my God.” And got cold feet, and rightly so. It was crazy, totally crazy, you know, to try to have a long-term relationship with someone in England and the other person in California. But I was all for it. I was so ready.
Then that fell apart. And then I just… I was so hurt by that, that I just stopped anything.
And then some time passed, and then I met this other woman. And I’ve been with her for two years.
[Almaz interjection: “Oh, lovely, lovely. But in this timeline, what about your marriage?”]
So actually around the time that you and I met, things were getting quite difficult in my marriage, and just before covid, we decided we would split up. Because I was really unhappy with this whole “let’s see other people” thing. And, like, she wanted me to tell her what I was up to. And I was like, “That’s private”. And then she was telling me what she was up to. And I’m like, “I’m gonna fucking puke.” You know, I was really jealous and disgusted. I was not prepared for those emotions, but that’s what they were. So I’m not proud of them, but that’s just the way it was for me.
And my wife was not happy either, and so we decided to split it up. And she said, “Right, why don’t you move out?” And I said, “Yeah, okay, I’ll move out.”
And so I was looking around for a place to live, and that’s when covid happened. So I said, “I’m staying”. And we spent all of covid living together in separate bedrooms, which was kind of nice, actually. It was like, when a plane crashes, instead of crashing, straight into the ground, we, like, skidded along the ground for a while, and everyone survived. It wasn’t one of those ones where everybody dies. Everyone survived. The plane is wrecked, destroyed, but everyone’s okay. So that’s where we were at.
As soon as covid times ended, she said, “All right, why don’t you move out now?” And I was like, “Actually, why don’t you move out?” Because I wanted to stay in the house, I wanted to stay with the girls. So she was like, “Yeah, okay, why not?” So she moved out. And then had two years with my kids. It was really nice, and it was really good because I travel a lot for my work.
How have your expectations of dating changed in the years since?
So, I guess, like, when I started dating again, after my wife and I decided to have an open relationship, it was kind of like older me behaving like high school me wanted to behave. All like, “Hey, you’re hot, let’s have sex.”, “Cool, awesome, all right, let’s have sex again”, “Maybe I’ll have sex with that person over there, too. Why not?”
[Almaz interjection: “I relate so hard! Both of us cackle with glee.]
I think that really works for some people. And I know I’ve seen people that it works great for. But for me, I’ve now dialed that down. And then started to think, “Maybe I don’t need so much sex”. So that’s where I’m at now. Sex is much less a focus of it all, and it’s more emotional – more like experiencing life together, sharing the experience of life together. And sometimes that involves sex. But it’s less about like sex, whereas at first, I was just like, the whole point of this is just the sex.
Any other comments that come to mind? Do share!
I have said that this more ‘traditional’ kind of relationship that I’m in now with my partner of two years works for me, but I think that being said, I do think that ‘traditional’ relationships are not really the way forever, or for the future. I think it’d be great if things evolved, not just sexually, but also family structures. I’ve heard of these alternate ideas where, two people have a kid, but the people who actually raised the kid are the parents of the people who had the kid, and the people who had the kid are not raising the kid. And things like that.
I think there’re so many interesting things coming into focus with sociology and gender, and all these things that I think are going to lead hopefully to new forms relationships, and a society that’s a bit more chilled out. Because we need to chill out a bit if we’re gonna, you know, fix things such as climate change, capitalist addiction to growth and the like.
Previous posts in the ‘What The Notches Said’ series:
[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’]
The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 18 September and will feature both extra text and audio extracts (you’re in for a treat because ‘T’ has a great voice) from the conversation between ‘T’ and I. To receive this extra mailout you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.
[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’]
I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs
This content is not behind a paywall, but since it takes time to create and upload each piece, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’ which gets you subscriber-only posts each month, which is either billed monthly at £3.79 or annually at £34.99.
If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.
You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting, restacking via Notes or just generally sharing 😃