#45: What The Notches Said – No. 02
Interview with 'W', who's from my səxual past
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[Image description: Text ‘What The Notches Said No. 02’ on a lilac background]
These interviews with folks from my sexual past take place as informal chats over video call, and I record the audio so that I can pull the responses together for the Q&A format below.
This month, it’s ‘W’s turn to give her rundown of what’s been happening with her, sex and relationship-wise, in the handful of years since she and I met. ‘W’ is a woman with whom I’ve only shared a couple of experiences, but they were so connected and intense that we both speak of them in superlatives. We were initially introduced to each other in passing at a sex event in early 2020, and linked up for the first time just as Covid-19 started showing up in London. And then all the lockdowns happened, so we didn’t see each other again for a couple of years, by which time I’d actually moved out of London, but then I randomly bumped into her while I was down for a visit one time.
Despite another couple of years having rolled past by the time I reached out to ‘W’ to ask her if she’d like have an extended chat for this project, I just ~knew~ that she’d be up for it, purely based on our ~vibe~ . We both agree that in spite of the fact that our time spent together has been fleeting, there are some extra-sensory elements (the attunement and communication that happens both beyond and in addition to physical consciousness) to our connection that we’re both aware of and like to welcome into our dynamic. This shows up as us intuitively finding our ~flow~ both just us together and also when there’s been a third involved.
NB. The below interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Content note: This interview makes reference to intimate partner drug addiction, their relapses from rehab and tragic death, but does not go into any depth nor graphic detail.
Describe yourself (physically and character-wise).
I’m quite petite and have dark skin. I mean ‘dark’ in a Mediterranean kind of way. My hair is long and dark curly/frizzy. I have a big, wide mouth!
I really use humor as a sort of coping mechanism as a way to, sort of, I guess, soften the blows of life. Humor is a big part of the way I deal with the world. I’m a creative person. I play music in a performative role. I like to DJ. I was an actor at one point. I also like making things, like crafting. I like to think I’m quite level-headed most of the time. But I do have a short fuse, so I can get frustrated easily. And then it kind of goes away quickly as well. I think that also probably comes with being from a Mediterranean culture, maybe.
I’m very social. I’ve got lots of friends and I go to lots of things. Sometimes I think I could have a positive outlook, to a point of sometimes not recognising that things are not always great. That’s something that I’m actually, like, learning how to deal with at the moment and, sort of, have a bit more of a balanced view of the light and dark and everything in between.
Describe where you were at in life, relationship-wise, when you and Almaz met.
Right… So, this was quite a long time ago. So, I had to go back and have a think and I realised it was, like, just before the first lockdown, just before the pandemic happened. So I was in a committed relationship at the time. But it was an open relationship with a man that I lived with. We’d been together, by that point, for, like, four years, I think. Something like that.
We had been doing the open relationship thing, at that point, for over a year. Maybe a year and a half. I wasn’t looking for any other “relationships”. Really, I was just having a fair bit of casual sex with people.
There were a few people that I’d see every so often. The guy that we met through; I’d seen him a few times before. And things were really nice with him. It was also a quite an intense time for me as my partner had just been to rehab for drug addiction. So, emotionally I had no capacity for, like, any other demanding relationships. I was just seeing people purely for having interesting experiences and having fun.
What were your expectations of dating in that era?
Although it sounds like I was purely out there seeking sex, it’s not true. I did want to meet people for, like, ongoing, casual sexual relationships, if that makes a sense. And to explore different kinds of relationships. I’d been in monogamous, heterosexual relationships my whole life. And dating women was very much a new thing for me. So, I think, I was also looking to get more experience with that.
Where and how did you and Almaz meet?
I went to a sex event with a guy that I’d, like, had sex with quite a few times before. We met on a dating app. And, yeah, we’d had, like, a few sexual encounters at that point. And then I invited him to come with me to the party. But yeah, at the party we both, kind of, went off on our separate ways.
And then he came to up me and was like, “I’m in love!” And he was talking about you, Almaz! And I was like “Okay, who’s this person who’s stolen your heart?!” He was so cute. And then he introduced you and me. But it was brief. And it was quite loud at the venue. And then yeah, not long after that party, he told me that you guys had been meeting up. And then one time, I was also invited, which was really nice!
What surprised you about Almaz?
I think I didn’t really have any expectations because I didn’t know you, but I think… Well, a few things. The first one was just how, like, curious and inquisitive you were about about sex, and about specifically your sexual experiences.
I don’t really think very much about my own experiences in intellectual terms. I don’t, like, analyse. Whereas you were exploring with a capital ‘E’! And documenting it and just being really mindful of your sexual journey and desires and stuff. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like that. And also how active and creative you were in writing and publishing. All of that was, like, really cool.
Oh and your colourful belly chains. They were so sexy and I’d never seen that on anyone before.
Describe any regrets (existentially and relationship-wise) you have from that era.
I have a very specific regret where I went with this guy to the ‘dungeon’ area of a sex party and I didn’t really know him very much. We’d not really spoken much before we went to the playroom. I fancied him I wanted to go to the playroom, but he started spanking me really, really hard. And at some point, I stopped enjoying it. But I didn’t say anything. I just waited for him to finish. And that wasn’t the only experience around that time where I just went into something without talking about anything beforehand, didn’t stop something that I wish I had of.
Yeah, so my manner about talking about boundaries was very much not there. I guess part of my character I described earlier about, like, being quite easygoing and trying accommodate for people, and that sometimes in those situations sometimes can detract from what I actually want. I’m definitely not always good at communicating a boundary. So that is definitely a regret around that time. I’ve gotten better about it, I think. But I definitely have a way to go. And that was one regret around relationships and kink. Yeah, I mean, existentially I do know, a bit of me regrets… Well, I was in a very difficult situation with my partner. And I don’t know that I could have really done anything differently. You know, it was far from an ideal situation and I was trying to survive it.
Describe what you’ve been up to relationship-wise since that time?
Yeah, so sexually, I’ve got quite a few regulars. Which is nice. But my long-term partner, the one I had been with for many years, sadly died in August last year. Yeah, it’s really sad but also it was that relationship was not very good for me. Just the addiction became more and more of a burden and by the time that he passed away, I was maybe getting ready to maybe end it. It was a very long process and I don’t know that I would have decided to actually go through with ending it if he hadn’t passed away.
How have your expectations of dating changed in the years since?
During the pandemic, didn’t really see anybody for a while and I was just with my partner. And later on when things opened up a bit, I went on OKCupid for the first time and I met a couple of people that I dated. There was one person that I dated for, like, a few months and at some point, it felt quite intense and and I was like, “Oh, maybe I am ready for polyamory.” I started seeing the opportunity to date people on less of just a casual sexual basis. Actually, like, opening myself to, maybe, having more emotionally involved relationships outside of my nesting partner. And that’s something that I’m… I don’t know, how much, like, just schedule capacity I’ve got for many intense relationships. But I’m definitely looking a lot less for one off hook-ups, and much more focused continual relationships, whether it’s mainly sexual or more emotionally involved.
I talk about my partner who passed away with the people I’m in relationships with. And yeah, I mean, my room is full of pictures of him and me. So it’s like his memory is really present. What a time it’s been…
Any other comments that come to mind? Do share!
Well to large extent I’ve disengaged from the kink scene and I don’t really go to those parties. I’ve come to find those spaces very performative. It wasn’t really, as far as I felt, it wasn’t really a place to, like, safely explore your kinks. It was more like a fashionable place to be seen.
[Image description: promo banner for Almaz’s Developing Sexual Expression and understanding intimacy workshops]
I run a workshop series – Developing sexual expression and understanding intimacy – if you’d like to book me for an in-person event like a hen party or baby shower, or as a fun interlude at a sex ed/sensuality event, do get in touch via email. All workshop participants will receive a printable PDF companion workbook with tips and exercises to try out at home. Here’s a link to a previous mailout where I described the raucous fun we had at a hen party where I ran the Improving Intimacy workshop for a group of women:
[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’]
The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 27 March and will feature extracts from the transcript of the conversation between ‘W’ and I. To receive this extra mailout you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.
[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’]
I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
Previous mailout: #44: Public Service Announcement
Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs
This content is not behind a paywall, but since it takes time to create and upload each piece, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’ which gets you subscriber-only posts each month, which is either billed monthly at £3.79 or annually at £34.99.
If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.
You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting, restacking via Notes or just generally sharing 😃