#60: What The Notches Said – No. 05
Interview with 'Q', who's from my səxual past
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[Image description: Text ‘What The Notches Said No. 05’ on a lilac background]
These interviews with folks from my sexual past take place as informal chats over videocall, and I record the audio so that I can pull the responses together for the Q&A format below.
This month, I’m sharing some material from a chat that I had with ‘Q’. He’s someone from my current Manchester era. I moved here in October 2022 after being wholly priced out of London. In the two years I’ve been here, I’ve found it a much more sexually promiscuous city than London. I’m still trying to work out why!
‘Q’ and I met in the Summer of 2023, at a (non-sex) sex event mixer. There was a series of ice-breakers where guests had to go talk to folks that they didn’t know.
‘Q’ and I chatted and checked each other out for x-number of minutes until it was time for us all to rotate. ‘Q’ took my number, as I was super intrigued when he told me he had just begun heading up a collective of Manchester sensuality enthusiasts that had started running their own play party extravaganzas.
We went on a number of very lusty dates and then, curiously, we actually stopped hooking up when we decided that I’d run my ‘Writing Romance’ workshop at his events. So we’re ‘professional collaborators’ now, rather than sexual partners, which I find amusing/ironic.
‘Q’ is polyamorous and has a ‘primary nesting partner’ which means that he sees other women in addition to his main relationship.
NB. The below interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Describe yourself (physically and character-wise).
So physically, I guess I’m a tall and curly brunette. I would say square jaw, small eyes. I think I’m calm, like, poised. Patient.
I feel like compared to many other people, I don’t lose my temper. I value a lot of communication and I’m very open in speaking my mind. I think I would say I’m more outgoing than introverted, but sometimes I’m also introverted, so it depends. But mostly, I would say the last few years, mostly extroverted.
Describe where you were at in life, relationship-wise, when you and Almaz met.
I remember it was after, kind of, a milestone: it was when a relationship with one girl was ending. So, I was trying to date people and trying to get to know them. I feel like I was looking for maybe just one other person.
What were your expectations of dating in that era?
I think still the same. So, like, curiosity is always what drives me. I think I’m always curious to discover who this person is character-wise. And, of course, what’s their body like. I always feel very curious about that, so I can’t wait to see, actually.
Where and how did you and Almaz meet?
So we were at the social of Riot Party. They had this game. I remember the game because we were asked to move away from the conversation that we were already in and to go and find a stranger and continue a conversation. And then we had a chat there. We chatted for, I’d say, 15 minutes, at least.
It’s always nice to use another system in a way that is not a routine. You know, if something makes you go out of a routine and you meet them in another way.
It’s nicer when you are in conversation without having to pass by these gates of some phrases that can make conversation dull and boring: “Where are you from?”, “Why are you here?” etc. But often, when there is a prescriptive game, you end up having a conversation that is a bit more intimate.
What surprised you about Almaz?
The belt you have. Oh, they are called ‘waist beads’. Okay! Yeah, if you remember that when I discovered them on your body, I just wanted to get you home as soon as possible!
[Almaz note: It’s not lost on me that ‘Q’ is the third person in this series to mention my waist beads: ‘V’ mentioned them, as did ‘W’.
And they often become a talking point while hooking up with new partners, or when other people catch sight of them in the sauna / spa / changing rooms / wild swimming / random situations where I’m not wearing clothes. I’ve written about the cultural significance of West African women wearing ‘waist beads’ for this Substack before: in 2021, when I was spending an extended period of time in Ghana, I released this piece, ‘#08: The Coloniality Chronicles – Part Four’.]
Yeah, I mean, I was also surprised that you told me you were a writer. Those are skills that I value, and I was like, “Oh, I’m happy to meet a writer.” And, yeah, the fact you were from another place, like, from London. I thought, you know, I’m more curious than if you were from Manchester, because you are still new. So I could show you some places.
Describe any regrets (existentially and relationship-wise) you have from that era.
What I regret is that when my relationship ended, the one that ended around the time that we met, is that I felt I, kind of, got more reserved and less curious in my dating life. Just because, maybe, I was trying to remain attached to that person. And it, kind of, ruined my dating life somehow compared to before.
Describe what you’ve been up to relationship-wise since that time?
I’ve been very attracted to this woman – but she’s more of a friend than a relationship, even though sometimes we play around, but only in threesomes. Okay, so she’s a lesbian, and she’s a lover of my partner, but she accepted me, actually. But she’s not interested in seeing me alone in that way. I really like this girl, so I wish she was also attracted to me in the same way, because I feel like, you know, she could be important to me.
But, yeah, I’m already lucky that she changed their mind that much because before she wasn’t sleeping with men.
How have your expectations of dating changed in the year since?
Up to one year ago, usually, I’d have, like, five dating partners. It was a bit too mad. I liked the people I was seeing, so I didn’t have regrets because I loved dating everybody. But I felt it was a bit too much for, you know, the time that is in a month.
I’m making more friends lately. Before, I think my friends used to be my dates as well. Even though I also had friends, of course. But in the last year, some of them have moved away. And also, like, six months ago, one of my best friends moved to Australia, so I’m a bit without, kind of, a point of reference for friendship.
I have more friends now, but they are fresh. I have these fresh friends, which I go to festivals with.
Any other comments that come to mind? Do share!
I’m a bit negative about what ‘dating’ is becoming. Everybody’s becoming more flaky. That’s my feeling. A lot of people, you know, you ask them a question and they answer three days later, four days later, you know. So maybe it was like this before, and I didn’t even notice, because I wasn’t so negative.
Previous posts in the ‘What The Notches Said’ series:
[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’]
The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 20 October and will feature both extra text and audio extracts from the especially entertaining part of the conversation, where ‘Q’ revealed how great a surprise it was when he discovered the strings of beads I wear at my waist when making out on our first date.
To receive this extra mailout you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.
[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’]
I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
[Image description: Text: “Ms A, Model Commercial, Lifestyle, Editorial, Height: 174cm / 5’ 8.5” UK clothing size: 12 Bust: 91cm / 36” Bra size: 32D Waist: 77cm / 30” Hips: 103cm / 40” Inside leg: 74cm / 29” (to ankle) 83cm / 33” (to floor) Shoe size: 7 / 40 Hair colour: Black, afro-textured / braids Eye colour: Brown]
This content is not behind a paywall, but since it takes time to create and upload each piece, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’ which gets you subscriber-only posts each month, which is either billed monthly at £3.79 or annually at £34.99.
If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.
You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting, restacking via Notes or just generally sharing 😃