#42: What The Notches Said – No. 01
Interview with 'Y', who's from my səxual past
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[Image description: Text ‘What The Notches Said No. 01’ on a lilac background]
Back in September, when I trailered this season’s new content strands in the newsletter ‘#34: ‘She Dares To Say’ season 3 announcement’, I explained that the ‘What The Notches Said’ content strand would be exercise in radical vulnerability since I’ll be reaching out to various people from my sexual past and asking them to answer quick-fire questions about where they were at in life when we dated/hooked-up and how their views/situation have changed in the intervening years.
These interviews take place as informal chats over video call, and I record the audio so that I can pull the responses together for the Q&A format below.
First up is ‘Y’.
We dated non-monogamously for around 18 months some years ago, when I was 28 and ‘Y’ was 47, after having matched on dating app Feeld. And we have remained firm friends ever since. We’re still in regular contact via WhatsApp and also have long, meandering phone calls, which I love. We actually met up to catch up in person for the first time since the pre-covid times, about a week before we had the online interview chat, and we spent a lot of time beaming at each other across the table. Cute, right.
On the day of our interview, I went back to very the beginning of our WhatsApp chat history and skim-read our entire thread (!!) for background research. Like a lot of people, I often find it triggering to go back and read (and listen to, because I like to communicate via voice message, too) the chat histories of the people I’ve dated because, sadly, I’ve found myself emotionally wounded by dozens and dozens of contacts in my phone. But re-reading the interactions between ‘Y’ and me, I felt entertained and nostalgic rather than annoyed and upset. The general sentiment that comes through is that we’ve always been, genuinely, very fond of each other.
NB. The below interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Describe yourself (physically and character-wise).
I’m Italian and, clearly, I’m not a very tall guy. I think my body is still in decent shape. Well, I’ve not been doing much sport since covid, but I’m keeping my diet quite light, and doing intermittent fasting etc. I’m quite an introverted and introspective person. But I’ve learned how to be social and I like to be in social situations. I like to be surrounded by people. In general, I think of myself as being kind and compassionate with people.
Describe where you were at in life, relationship-wise, when you and Almaz met.
I actually had a really massive life change, moving to the UK at the age of 45, two years before I met Almaz. My former partner and my daughter decided to stay in Sicily and didn’t follow me in this move. I was scared. I had fear. But at the same time, it was an exciting period in which I had to learn English properly (I could speak English before I moved, but not how I do now). So for different reasons, it was a very intense period of my life. I had a brief intense relationship with another person before I met Almaz. But she ended things with me when she moved to another country.
Anyway, so I kept trying to understand more of myself sexually in terms of meeting people, relationship-wise and other stuff. I was curious about meeting another person that had a different kind of mindset. Almaz actually happened to be the kind of person that, despite her young age at the time, was very mature in the ideas that she had about exploring and experimenting in this world of relationships, sexuality, and non-standard ways of communicating.
What were your expectations of dating in that era?
I mean, in principle, the idea was to meet people, to find people to communicate with more deeply. But in general, the kind of depth that I would like is not the common way in which people communicate with one another in England. I really struggled to communicate in English in social situations when the conversation tends to go around many different subjects in shallow, confusing conversations with people. So I was dating to establish if my capacity to communicate in a foreign language could foster depth of connection.
But also, now years away from when first I emigrated, I’ve realised I was feeling really alone. I’m someone who likes to be alone, but that was a different kind of loneliness. And so, I was really interested in having sex.
Where and how did you and Almaz meet?
We matched on dating app Feeld and chatted. And decided to meet up for a date. Because it was summer we went to the Bussey Building Rooftop bar. I remember quite clearly the situation and the environment. Almaz was really, really hot! And it was really interesting the way Almaz approached me with confidence.
What surprised you about Almaz?
I was quite flattered by the fact that she wasn’t triggered by meeting up with older people. But I felt that Almaz was interested in this kind of experience with older people, so I felt more relaxed. But Almaz was very interesting. I mean the conversations that we had, were intellectually interesting and also sexually spicy.
Describe any regrets (existentially and relationship-wise) you have from that era.
I got back together with my former partner. We got back into a toxic relationship. But I did have other kinds of connections with other people. But obviously, I was trying not to be too much involved, romantically or emotionally. So if I experienced sexuality with other people, for me, I was like “Okay, this is just for the experience and for the pleasure” but I tried to suppress any emotional aspect and tried not to involve my emotional side in it.
Describe what you’ve been up to relationship-wise since that time
I fell in love recently. And that was a feeling that I haven’t had for a very long time. But it was a virtual connection with someone in a different country. We spent two months as if we were actually in a non-monogamous relationship, but after we had met up twice, this person disappeared on me. It was quite traumatic.
How have your expectations of dating changed in the years since?
In general, at this stage of my life, I think that I’m ready to actually declare that I am definitely against monogamy. There is a person in my life at the moment with whom I started a monogamous relationship. But it didn’t work out. We are now exploring whether this relationship can evolve/transform somehow into something that could match each of our aspirations.
Any other comments that come to mind? Do share!
I think that Almaz was the person in which I could actually share my genuine and honest thoughts and actually share interesting ideas, that were not structured along stereotypes of any kind. I think that Almaz supported these intellectual observations as her brain is spinning these things around with genuine and honest intellectual exploration and freedom.
[Image description: promo banner for Almaz’s Developing Sexual Expression and understanding intimacy workshops]
I run a workshop series – Developing sexual expression and understanding intimacy – if you’d like to book me for an in-person event like a hen party or baby shower, or as a fun interlude at a sex ed/sensuality event, do get in touch via email. All workshop participants will receive a printable PDF companion workbook with tips and exercises to try out at home. Here’s a link to a previous mailout where I described the raucous fun we had at a hen party where I ran the Improving Intimacy workshop for a group of women:
[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’]
The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 27 December and will feature extracts from the transcript of the conversation between ‘Y’ and I. To receive this extra mailout you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.
[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’]
I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
Previous mailout: ‘#41: Tips for navigating gynae challenges in new relationships’
Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.
Last week, I got the hi-res files back of my new, updated showreel. Some of my favourite frames are below:
[Image description: Almaz introduces a film screening event. She holds a mic and is saying “So, this evening is an opportunity to…”]
[Image description: Almaz and two panellists sit on Chesterfield armchairs on a stage covered in a large rug. Almaz holds a mic with one hand and gesticulates with the other, while saying “look around the world to see what other family setups…”]
[Image description: Almaz is talking on an online panel. There is a British Sign Language interpreter at the bottom corner of the screen. Almaz is saying ‘So the last couple of years have been so…”]
[Image description: Large text: ‘We’d do it standing up against his bedroom wall.’ Almaz sits in a coffee shop reading vignettes out loud from A4 printouts]
Watch the showreel in full here. I’m available for panel talks, podcasts, TV and radio etc. get in touch via email to book me.
This content is not behind a paywall, but since it takes time to create and upload each piece, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’ (especially if this project is something that you value, and you have the means to do so), which is either billed monthly at £3.79 or annually at £34.99.
If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.
You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃