#49: What The Notches Said – No. 03
Interview with 'V', who's from my səxual past
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[Image description: Text ‘What The Notches Said No. 03’ on a lilac background]
These interviews with folks from my sexual past take place as informal chats over video call, and I record the audio so that I can pull the responses together for the Q&A format below.
The series began with my chat with ‘Y’, who I met in the summer of 2017, when I was 28 and ‘Y’ was 47. We dated non-monogamously for around 18 month and have remained close friends ever since. Then, I spoke with ‘W’ a woman with whom I’ve only shared a couple of experiences, but they were so connected and intense that we both speak of them in superlatives.
This month, I’m sharing ‘V’s thoughts on where he was at regarding relationships, when were casually dating back in 2016, and what he’s been up to in the years since. Back then, ‘V’s place was just a short walk away from mine, so it was a very convenient set-up for us both. But after some months, ‘V’ moved to the other end of London, to an area where there wasn’t much happening. So, it just wasn’t convenient for me to undertake a 90-minute schlep to see him, especially since staying over would have made my morning commute to work horrendous (and I also didn’t have any other friends living around there to hang out with either). Needless to say, things fizzled out almost immediately. And that was that. Until…
I got a random message from him earlier this year: “Hey you! After so many years I was passing through Haringey this afternoon and thought of you. How are you?!”
I’d already started this series when I received his message, so I interpreted his message popping up on my phone as a sign that he’d probably be up for chatting to me. We ended up having such a companionable time during the interview, that at the end of the call ‘V’ said that he’d love to catch up in person sometime. Some weeks afterwards I was in London again on one of my regular visits down. And so we got food, and chatted some more. And flirted.
And one thing led to another, and we were soon taking each other’s clothes off. As he peered down my top, he gleefully whispered into my ear “Mmm, I remember this!”, while tracing the outline of my cute little boob birthmark with his finger. I erupted into laughter as I realised we’d found ourselves in this interesting liminal space where we were responding to historic, memory-based desire and also the present-day desire for each other that we were acting on in real-time.
Afterwards we talked about how compelling it was for us each to enjoy a familiar body (especially since both of us have remained basically the same physically, in terms of proportions and body-type, as how we were when we first met). We were now significantly older, with many more varied sexcapades (made up of numerous configurations) colouring the way we now go about our intimate experiences. But simultaneously, we also engaged with and responded to each other almost exactly as we did were when we were dating all those years ago. Having these two oppositional realities highlighted to me in such a way really amused me and I chuckled to myself all the way home.
NB. The below interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Describe yourself (physically and character-wise).
Physically, I’m medium build, 5’10”. I’m Indian, Indian-born and I’ve been living in the UK for about 20 years now. I’m 43. And I see myself as a very curious person.
Describe where you were at in life, relationship-wise, when you and Almaz met.
I was open to seeing people, that’s pretty much what the status was back then. The platform or situation didn’t really matter, as I was hoping to meet people. I usually get along with someone who is open minded. And also, in general, I’m very curious about, like, life as well. My life and also other people’s. When you meet somebody, like, out of curiosity, you get to know about them, their life, their life experiences. And if something seems more interesting, and you just try to hang on more, and try to learn more, and more.
What were your expectations of dating in that era?
During that era I had no expectations. I still don’t when it comes to dating. The expectation is, I hope that I can get to experience something different, something new. See, this is the thing, I don’t go with a very specific or certain objectives. So I’m pretty much open and and see where it takes me. Like, I was enjoying meeting people. And having people inspire me.
Where and how did you and Almaz meet?
I don’t remember, but I’m guessing it was on an app… I remember we used to go out for food and drinks on Green Lanes in Haringey. I can’t remember how long we were seeing each other for, though. A few months… Some months, yeah. It was nice.
What surprised you about Almaz?
I won’t call it surprised but I was, like, more impressed that you played classical violin a lot. Ah, I remember. The beads around your hips. They were very hot!
[Almaz note: I laughed when ‘V’ mentioned my waist beads, because ‘W’ in the previous mailout had also mentioned them, too. Seems as if they are very memorable!]
Describe any regrets (existentially and relationship-wise) you have from that era.
I don’t function that way. I don’t regret things unless… For me, no. I mean, I don’t regret any of the decisions I’ve made.
Describe what you’ve been up to relationship-wise since that time?
I did meet some amazing people. I don’t do monogamous relationships. Non monogamy is the way to go I feel. I have a couple of partners now whom I see often. Something interesting happened during the lockdown. In 2010, I dated somebody, it was like an affair we had. It lasted for a few months and we stopped seeing each other as her husband was back in town. And then, literally 10 years later, during Covid times, we met up again and kind of spent lockdown time hanging out together. Oh she is divorced now.
How have your expectations of dating changed in the years since?
I am still doing non-monogamy. Physical attraction is one aspect beyond that it's always interesting to discover stories in other peoples life. Having said that, I am also a very private person and sometimes I don't want to meet anyone. May be its old age.
Any other comments that come to mind? Do share!
It’s been interesting, like, to revisit memories. It’s like a small walk in a memory lane!
Previous mailouts in the ‘What The Notches Said’ series
‘W’ is a woman with whom I’ve only shared a couple of experiences, but they were so connected and intense that we both speak of them in superlatives. We were initially introduced to each other in passing at a sex event in early 2020, and linked up for the first time just as Covid-19 started showing up in London:
‘Y’ and I dated non-monogamously for around 18 months in 2017, when I was 28 and ‘Y’ was 47, after having matched on dating app Feeld. We have remained firm friends ever since:
[Image description: promo banner for Almaz’s Developing Sexual Expression and understanding intimacy workshops]
I run a fun workshop series – Developing sexual expression and understanding intimacy – if you’d like to book me for an in-person event like a hen party or baby shower, or as a little interlude at a sex ed/sensuality event, do get in touch via email. Here’s a link to a previous mailout where I described the raucous fun we had at a hen party where I ran the Improving Intimacy workshop for a group of women:
[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’]
The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 27 June and will feature extracts from the transcript of the conversation between ‘V’ and I. To receive this extra mailout you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.
[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’]
I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs
This content is not behind a paywall, but since it takes time to create and upload each piece, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’ which gets you subscriber-only posts each month, which is either billed monthly at £3.79 or annually at £34.99.
If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.
You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting, restacking via Notes or just generally sharing 😃
Love your content and how open V is. Thanks for sharing <3