#43: Authenticity Arena – No. 15
‘P’, 29, bisexual, white British/Polish Jewish, woman (cis), partnered, London
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[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 15’ on a lilac background]
The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent six minutes of a 50-minute chat I had with ‘P’ who’s a queer/bisexual, white British, woman (cis), who, at the time of interview in December 2022 was 29, partnered, and living in London.
‘P’ works in a similar sexuality education field to me, so our conversations touched on the complications that can sometimes arise in social situations when people know that our jobs are sex-based and are looking for answers to personal questions. ‘P’ also shared an incident from her early adolescence where she was accused of sexually predatory behaviour towards a fellow school pupil and the harm that the allegations caused.
I’ve extracted ‘P’s interview to begin with the answers that she gave to my favourite question in the survey.
Almaz note: Please do listen to the audio extract, while simultaneously following the text transcription, as it makes for a richer experience.
Almaz – 10:49mins
Yes, so question 14 is my favorite question on the questionnaire. And it is, “Is there anything you can remember that sparked your sexual / intimate desires?” And you’ve put, “I remember watching a cartoon with the three little pigs and the wolf, and there was a spanking machine, and I remember having sexual feelings about it.”
Would you be able to describe a little bit more about that? Because I can’t… I’m trying to imagine what it would have would have been?
‘P’ – 11:20mins
During lockdown these memories and these conversations came up.
Almaz – 11:24mins
Mmm.
P’ – 11:24mins
I think maybe there was… I don’t know why… There was, like, just general topics of this, like, coming up with, like, my housemates my friendships, where we were, like, talking about early sexual memories. I’m wondering if there was, like, an article or something…
Almaz – 11:40mins
Mmm.
‘P’ – 11:40mins
…that, like, sparked it. But yeah, it was this cartoon. I actually spent lockdown, like, looking for it. I found it on YouTube. And it was just yeah… it’s just ingrained to my brain of the, like, you know, pigs. And I’ve talked about people who were all like, “Oh my God, I remember that.” And, like, you know, they also had some interesting feelings.
But it’s, like, yeah, the three little pigs. They’re wearing, like… their top halves are covered, their bottom halves are naked, you know, quite vulnerable, quite exposed. And, you know, the big bad wolf is trying to eat them.
Almaz – 12:15mins
Mmm.
‘P’ – 12:15mins
But ultimately, you know, it’s quite, like, seductive in a way, like, the big bad wolf is dressed up as a pretty mermaid.
Almaz – 12:30mins
Ohh! Okay.
‘P’ – 12:30mins
Quite sexy, and he’s kind of, like, trying to seduce these three little pigs, and they all, kind of, you know…. there’s definitely elements of it being [laughs] horny.
And then when he, like, captures them… Or no, the pigs capture him, and they’ve got this machine.
Anyway, I could probably send you the video, but the machine ends up, like, spanking them. And the noises they make, it’s very, like, [high-pitched voice] “Ah! Ah!” You know.
Almaz – 13:02mins
Yeah.
‘P’ – 12:30mins
I think when I was a kid, I just remember thinking, like, “there’s just something a-tingling.”
Almaz – 13:013mins
Mmm.
‘P’– 13:02mins
As a child, you have no idea what that means. You don’t know what’s going on. But you just… Like, I think growing up, maybe exploring spanking, you know, in a relationship when I was a teenager, you know, maybe those memories, kind of, like, would pop up. Because it was something I never forgot.
Almaz – 13:29mins
Mmm-mmm.
‘P’ – 13:29mins
But, like, I didn’t really, kind of, piece it together until I started having these conversations. But yeah, that’s definitely, like… Even when I just recall it now. It’s, like, there’s a tingling…
Almaz – 13:42mins
Mmm. Yeah.
‘P’ – 13:42mins
…and it’s like, “Oh, it feels wrong, because it’s a child’s cartoon.” But it also feels… like, again, I don’t want to, like, shame myself for having those feelings [laughs]. Ultimately, the people who are creating that possibly had some interesting feelings towards the pigs as well [chuckles].
Almaz – 14:04mins
Yeah, yeah.
‘P’ – 13:04mins
But yeah, they are definitely squealing with pain slash excitement.
Almaz – 14:12mins
Yeah, yeah. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own, like, girlhood crushes. And, like, TV crushes and how, like, sometimes they were really inexplicable. One of my crushes was, what’s his name? Rodders from Only Fools and Horses [scoffs]...
[both laugh]
Almaz – 14:34mins
…in the early seasons [more laughter from both] And so…
‘P’ – 14:36mins
Interesting. Do you understand why?
Almaz – 14:39mins
So, I haven’t watched the show, actually, for a number of years, so I need to re-watch it. But I remember that when I was, like, eight, nine, ten, I used to watch it a lot. And I think it was that he was very, umm, kind of, hapless and a bit foolish. And I, kind of, I enjoyed watching the way that he just seemed so silly in the show.
‘P’ – 15:08mins
Yeah.
Almaz – 15:08mins
So it was not necessarily the way that he looked in the show. It was the way his character was behaving in the show that, to me, I found… Not necessarily arousing, but it caused, like… Yeah, I was crushing on him because of it.
‘P’ – 15:27mins
Yeah, you’ve got, like, different elements of arousal. So it’s, like, your heart racing. That’s, like, your, like, desire and being aroused by this character.
[Almaz note: I hadn’t remembered the content of this conversation, which took place in December 2022, when I was doing the thinking for mailout ‘#40: Considering My Crushes – No. 01’ in Autumn 2023. If only I’d returned to this interview material sooner, I would have certainly added a paragraph about my short-lived Rodders crush lol lol!]
Almaz – 15:39mins
Yeah.
‘P’ – 15:39mins
I feel I totally get that.
Almaz – 15:42mins
[chuckles]
‘P’ – 15:42mins
I’m tryna think there if there was any, like, celebrity crushes that I had, like, as a young…
I know, as a teenager, as like, you know, a ‘just out’ bisexual, like, 13 year old, I was just like, “Okay, who are my crushes that’s a girl and that’s a boy.” And I just, like, was just obsessed with, like, fucking, Anthony Kiedis.
Almaz – 16:02mins
Oh yes! Yes!
‘P’ – 16:04mins
And Hayley Williams from [chuckles] Paramore. “These are my two lovers!”
Almaz – 16:10mins
[chuckles]
‘P’ – 16:10mins
“…and I’m not letting them go!” Definitely crushed hard. And would just like fantasise about those two.
Almaz – 16:18mins
Yeah. I remember Anthony Kiedis used to have his top off a lot!
‘P’ –16:24mins
And his dick out.
Almaz – 16:25mins
Yeah, yeah. The Red Hot Chili Peppers, they did the… what was it… the ‘sock-on-cock’ thing a lot.
‘P’ – 16:31mins
Yeah, so I read his autobiography when I was quite young. And he was also a Scorpio. And he was also, kind of, you know, sexual being…
Almaz – 16:42mins
Mmm. Mmm.
‘P’ – 16:42mins
…and like, he’d had a very young sexual experience.
Almaz – 16:46mins
Mmm-mmm.
‘P’– 16:46mins
And I remember just being, like, really, like, turned on, but also very confused, because the first sexual experience he had was actually with his dad’s girlfriend.
Almaz – 16:53mins
I read that.
‘P’– 16:54mins
Do you remember?!
Almaz – 16:55mins
Yeah, yeah.
‘P’– 16:56mins
Yeah.
Almaz – 16:56mins
Yeah.
‘P’ – 16:59mins
And, obviously, as a teenager, you’re like, a bit confused by that dynamic. Maybe there’s some off boundaries there.
[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 40 MINUTES]
Here are links to other mailouts about inexplicable crushes and also, how sexual curiosity shows up in children and young people:
‘O’; 45; bisexual/pansexual; Latino; cis man; polyamorous, living with a nesting partner as two-thirds of an open triad, and a few other partners; Tucson, AZ, US
‘J’, 33, bisexual, Mixed-race (Indian and white British) woman (cis), single, Brighton:
‘B’, 32, queer, Greek (Caucasian), woman (cis), partnered, London:
[Image description: promo banner for Almaz’s Developing Sexual Expression and understanding intimacy workshops]
I run a workshop series – Developing sexual expression and understanding intimacy – if you’d like to book me for an in-person event like a hen party or baby shower, or as a fun interlude at a sex ed/sensuality event, do get in touch via email. All workshop participants will receive a printable PDF companion workbook with tips and exercises to try out at home. Here’s a link to a previous mailout where I described the raucous fun we had at a hen party where I ran the Improving Intimacy workshop for a group of women:
[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’]
The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 24 January and will include the written answers that ‘P’ gave in response to my sexuality survey. To receive this extra mailout you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.
[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’]
I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
Previous mailout: ‘#42: What The Notches Said – No. 01’
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This content is not behind a paywall, but since it takes time to create and upload each piece, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’ (especially if this project is something that you value, and you have the means to do so), which is either billed monthly at £3.79 or annually at £34.99.
If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.
You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃